welcome, yo.
I don't know how you managed to stumble upon this blog, but yeah hello anyway. Feel free to explore and leave a tag, even though i know my tagboard's filled with nothing but adverts now. /:CHERYL♥AVIARY;
CHERYL♥AVIARY;
Hi there. The name's CHERYL. Was in Pasir Ris Primary, St. Hilda's Secondary and Temasek Polytechnic's Veterinary Technology, currently in Nanyang Technological University's Biological Sciences. A '96 baby getting older every year on 26th May. Started this blog when i was Primary 5, and i refuse to delete it cos it holds all my memories, both good and bad. (: |
So weak.
Friday, 23 December 2011 @ 00:12
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Why? Idk, maybe because ever since i realised Claire doesn't follow me on Twitter anymore? I keep thinking that its cos i kept spamming Twitter with Stephen. Maybe she found me annoying, so she stopped following me.
Then i kept telling myself, perhaps its Twitter's problem, cos sometimes it'd anyhow favourite tweets, or unfollow people for you. But then the thought of Claire finding me annoying just keeps ringing in my head. To make sure, i tried checking if she still follows Stephen. Nope, his name isn't in her "following" list. My heart sank. So i guess its not Twitter's problem.
And then there's Gordon too. Somehow i just feel like he finds me just as annoying too. Idk why, i just have that feeling.
Maybe i shouldn't have joined Twitter in the first place. I shouldn't have given in to Gordon, Sandra and Dio's persuasion to join Twitter. I should have listen to Manqin, who was the only one who told me not to create.
Today was the final performace show for X-Factor. I couldn't help but spam Twitter with X-Factor stuffs again (i'm so sorry). It was like as if i was a newscaster for the show, i bet people could tell what was going on by reading their timelines. /:
But yeah anyw, after that i saw Claire's tweet which was: ugh. scrolled a few tweets then *massive scroll*
Guess i pissed her off again eh? And Gordon too. Then Gordon said some bit of fairness, which was that he admitted he spammed alot during MAMA too. When i read that i felt like, "Okay maybe he does understand." but then Claire replied that tweet, something about saying MAMA was only for a day, and there were many people spamming along as well. Then my heart sank. Again.
I know i spammed alot, and it wasn't only for tonight's show. I really apologise for that, i just couldn't help it..
But to be honest, apart from feeling guilty and stuff, another small part of me felt that it was kinda unfair.
People whom i follow, including Claire they all, they do kinda spam my timeline with kpop stuff too. All the retweets, happy birthday _____, or all the performances and stuff. But i didn't complain..
I mean, people have their own likings right? You can spazz for your kpop idols, so shouldn't i have the right to spazz and go crazy for whoever i support on whatever show i'm watching?
I don't know, i really feel so confused right now. What if the entire Aviary has been cheating me all this while, that i am actually being hated by them? I know its wrong for me to doubt them, but i just can control myself. I just keep thinking about that, day and night, night and day. Sometimes i really feel like crying, but i just can't get myself to cry. Its so horrible being unable to cry it all out or just confide in someone. Everything's just bottled inside. Its just so uncomfortable.
How i wish i have a sister, one whom i can confide in, when i have no friends to talk to. Having a bro wouldn't be of much help in this, he'd just shoo me away the moment i step into his room.
I don't feel like facing my friends so soon, i'm afraid the moment i see them, i'd think about all these. Especially Claire. I don't hate her, i'm not angry with her for unfollowing me. I'm just upset with myself. I blame no one but myself for this.
I feel so inferior in front of others. All the pretty, popular, sociable girls. I don't like being in the limelight, but i'd still feel jealous and sometimes i'd just keep thinking, "i wanna be as pretty as them."
Its my self esteem. I have superduper low self esteem and self confidence. I can't help it. I just see no good things about myself. I look terrible, i have no talent, my academics are pretty bad, i have no aspiration, no ambition, no goal. I am just walking aimlessly in life.
I envy those who have a goal in their life. I envy those who are full of self confidence and can do anything they want.
A part of me hope that no one reads this, yet another part of me hopes someone would read this and comfort me or something. But thats just gonna make things worse i guess? I don't know. This would either make it more awkward between my friends and i, or pull us closer and make me feel that at least there is someone out there who cares for me.
I really hope these thoughts will get out of my mind soon.
P.S took me half an hour to type this out. Wow.